thirstySo. I’ve been spending a lot of time on Twitter lately.

Before I get into this, I will go ahead and say that this rant is specifically targeted at straight cis men. Let me also say that I am all for having standards regarding who you will or won’t date and who you you will and won’t fuck. Although I personally keep my standards for the latter relatively realistic, I’m not going to shade you solely for having some insurmountably high standards if you can swing it.


I see way too many dudes spending valuable tweeting time lamenting the fact that no one will fuck them, and then laying out these laundry lists of the qualities they expect a potential sex partner to have for them to be acceptable. Seriously, dudes, if no one is offering, what you will or won’t accept is irrelevant. You can sit back all day and talk about “chicks gotta have _______ for me to hit it” but if chicks who don’t have ______ aren’t even looking at you, it’s really just kind of sad that you sit there describing how you’re gonna be turning down all these invisible women. Especially when you, I, and your mama know damn well that if a chick who didn’t meet whatever bullshit standard you came up with acted even slightly interested in coming near your sexual organs you’d drop trou without thinking twice.

It’s funny, but it’s also really annoying and somewhat offensive because so often it’s rooted in some body snarking monkey shit. Whenever I see some marginal dudes squawking about their standards I think about a conversation Snarky’s Machine and I have regularly about “commensurate levels of attractiveness”. Basically, you can’t eat at the Four Seasons on a McDonalds budget. So why you think you, who I have not yet seen on the cover of GQ, are going to be able to pull a chick that belongs on the cover of Maxim, I don’t know. What I do know is that you’re gonna be living a long life full of not ever having sex. Ever.

For your reference, my previously referenced standards for sex partners are basically threefold: 1) you need to have a face that is attractive to me, 2) you need to smell good and have good hygiene, and 3) you need to be like, at least an inch taller than me including my hair. I’m 5’6″, by the way. This is anyone. And I’m attracted to a lot of faces you wouldn’t think one would be attracted to. Often it’s really about chemistry, and since I don’t do one-night stands but I’m down with being fuck buddies, it’s also about personality and am I cool with you being in my house long enough after we bone to maybe use my bathroom and have a glass of water after you get dressed.

It’s not really that if you relaxed your standards, women would flock to you in droves, because they probably wouldn’t. But it’s a bad look, especially when your criteria are so heavily based in fucked up societal beauty standards. Women sure as hell aren’t going to fuck you once they hear some of that ignorance coming out of your mouth. Or coming off your keyboard. Whatever.

But you know what, do you. You want to eliminate 70% of the fuckable population, fine. I ain’t mad, do your thing, papi. Maybe one day you’ll find your black unicorn, and you can both laugh at my ass for having sex all these years and not being celibate and saving myself for that mythical Tyson Beckford lookalike who’s deep into fat chicks.

Uh yeah. I’d rather be fucking.

4 thoughts on “The only skins you ever hit was the skins on your right hand

  1. Andrew Ulrich says:

    I find this rant extremely ironic because almost every woman on the face of the planet does this to men on a daily basis. Now you know how it feels.

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