I used to write at a blog I called “water in my cereal”, usually when I was going through some horrible period in my life and wanted to vent my depressing thoughts. I’ve decided to bring some of the writing I had there over here, since I hadn’t updated that blog in over 3 years. For the first year or so of the period these pieces derive from (2012-2015), I was still dealing with the emotional fallout from my marriage ending, I was unemployed, and I was seriously questioning my purpose in life. I was also on a slow taper off my psych meds, so it was even more difficult to maintain my stability. As I’ve said numerous times, writing is my escape and preferred form of catharsis. These selected pieces, posted anonymously at the time, are painful for me to read now. I am extremely unkind to myself. I collapse under the weight of society’s racist, heterosexist, fatphobic expectations for me & my body, and I buy into the shame that sexual abuse sought to teach me. My depression is winning, in these moments. So, fair warning, this writing is not fun to read. If you are currently struggling with low self-esteem, depression, or thoughts of suicide/self-harm, you might want to skip this today.
The Internet adds a glossy layer of abstraction to our representations of ourselves. It’s not practical to share all the pain one experiences, and as a writer you want to speak with a confident voice, not a timid one. But never speaking of the uncertainty and insecurity we feel in the face of daily assaults against our humanity can fool people into thinking that perfection is attainable, that it is not just possible but common to completely reject the messaging society directs at us and never look back. I decided to share some of this writing because I wanted to offer support to others who feel insecure and uncertain at times, because I needed it to be heard and identified as my experience, & because I wanted to flesh out my digital persona. If this site is to be a representation of my work, I want it to be accurate. I want it to contain as much as possible the full spectrum of my writing, the pain and the triumph. Back in the youth of the Web, I wrote & shared writing like this all the time, but vulnerability feels so dangerous these days. Please be gentle.
(trigger warning: talk of suicide, self-harm, negative body talk, drug use, bad relationship decisions, etc.)