is this depression?

it’s anticipatory grief

it’s the loss of a future

it’s here-and-now grief

it’s a pandemic

it’s anger for having seen this coming

it’s despair for our chances of surviving

it’s regret for all i couldn’t do 

it’s fear for my loved ones

it’s deep ambivalence about being alive

it’s exhaustion like a thirst in my bones

it’s numbness

it’s a muting of life

it’s an iron veil

it’s a yoke around my neck

it’s amorphous

it’s inescapable

it’s my new normal

it’s all i got 

 

 

 

everything from then on out was going through the motions.
everything from going to work every day to saving for the future to breathing was
a charade performed as defense against the inevitable
a tired eye closed to the light of the oncoming train
a battered heart numb to the cries of the victimized child
a weary soul creaking under the weight of the world
and choosing the path of least resistance.
yet we could not cease going through the motions,
could not stop the motion of the machine grinding towards us
with the threat of growling bellies and chattering teeth.
a few of us figured out that we could stop the motion of the earth
blot out the sun with the moon
compel every human into the street
if we imagined it together.
but most of us were too tired from work
to work on aligning the stars for revolution.
so we waited,
and plotted,
and planned B
all the while praying
for the rest to get as tired
as we were.

    Excerpt from journal of an anonymous Appendage of the Queer Disabled Black Femme Tactical Liberation Body, Third Division (Western Turtle Island). [Archival comments: ….. So, this is written ten years BEFORE the Reckoning. Quantum-temporal collective manifestation or visionary madness? We still don’t understand exactly what the QDBFTLB harnessed to bring us this world, no matter what we might like to think. This begs further research. – taf]