when i’m exhausted my guard is down. you can catch me unaware.

i’ve been sitting here all night reading my past. little has changed in 13 years. i still don’t have it figured out. i still don’t know what to do with myself.

i’m listening to songs that were the soundtrack for all my pain as a teenager and crying. i still allow myself to feel all that pain.

and i think. too much. i think about what i’ve done wrong and what i’m going to do wrong. i think about where this is going, and where i’ve been, and if i want to ever go there again. i think about taking risks.

i think it’s different. i’ve thought it was different before. i think about you, and i think about myself. always. i spend hours trying to figure myself out, and i’ve never been good at puzzles.

i’ve become by choice what i once was by default. i stay in my head because it’s safer there, it’s less risky than letting things go. i purposefully isolate myself so i can remain in my head, undisturbed.

but i’m exhausted, so i’m disturbed.

i’m not actually that full of myself. i use self-absorption to mask self-doubt.


(written september 14 2013)