i keep thinking of all the times my life could have been turned around. if someone had known what was going on inside, things might have been different. at age 2, at age 6, at age 8, at age 14. even at age 30. all even years. even years have always been bad for me.
i keep thinking about how all those events led me to destroy myself. if i had been able to express what was going on inside, instead of acting out a script written in my childhood, things might have been different. at age 15, at age 19, at age 31. odd years haven’t always been that great either. odd years are often when the consequences of the even years’ events come to bear.
i keep thinking that if i had fought, he would be here. if i had been able to speak up instead of rolling over and trusting in the power of silently loving him, things might be different now. i made the wrong judgment call, and i have to live with this broken heart. it’s supposed to take you half the length of the relationship to get over it. i have 3 years left. some days i don’t know if i can make it. some days his absence is so profound i physically ache.
(written dec 12 2012)