every day i try to claw my way back to the past, & every day i try to push the future away.
i do not exist in the present. my mind is either focused on what was, or it is focused on what might be.
i know that at some point prior to now, things were better. & i know that things are likely to get worse.
things are getting worse, now.
i am realizing i have sacrificed health for perceived beauty, and it has brought me nothing.
more regret, more things to wish could be done over.
if i could simply opt out of my life at this point, i would.
all i feel is a cosmic microwave background of depression.
i stay up late to try to prevent tomorrow from coming.
i get up late to try to avoid starting today.
(written june 12 2012)