i have so many thoughts in my head but when i go to verbalize them i choke. i’m realizing that nothing i think i want will actually help. pretty much everything i can think of that would help the situation will eventually turn sour. i take the road all the way to its eventual destination, i’ve been there. every single road i think to take. i’ve traveled down and back numerous times over the past 18, almost 19 years. example:

me: falling in love will save you. being in love will sustain you.
me, too: no, falling in love distracts you temporarily. being in love is a perpetual cycle of happiness alternating with disappointment that always ends in a shit ton of pain and you lying on a floor high or drunk somewhere talking about how you’re worthless and why doesn’t God just take you now and what was the point of you surviving if this shit was gonna happen. the probability of that outcome? 5/5.

or maybe this scenario:

me: yeah, he completely disrespected you at least 5 times over the course of a few months, and yeah he clearly only wants to hang out with you because he thinks (KNOWS) that if he’s sweet enough and contrite enough you’ll let him fuck you, but you can just be strong and stick to your boundaries and it’ll just be a friendly thing and you’ll have a guy to talk to.

[shit goes down]

me: well, yeah, you let him fuck you, but it was fun and you can just go on and be friends and this totally won’t fuck up your shit for months and end with you laying in bed all weekend watching “girl, interrupted” and seriously contemplating a full time job as an alcoholic. [SPOILER ALERT: that’s what happens]

i took way too many ativan. anyway. i’m trying to record this thought process to remind me why I was fucked up tonight. not like i won’t remember tomorrow night when i get home and go through my cry cycle again, but whatever. typing has become hard.

i don’t know, i was saying to myself earlier (because I only talk to myself) that i’ve known exactly what i do wrong for a long time but i still watch myself do it. like, i know i shouldn’t go see that guy this weekend, but i guess my long term mental health loses out over short term companionship. it’s just so pathetic that i am willing to fuck people just so i can spend time with them.


(written january 20 2013)