when the sun begins to go down the demons are stirred up inside me.
maybe it’s that i’m realizing i spent another day alone, in this big house, empty except for the ghosts of dreams that died here.
maybe it’s because i feel like all hope is lost for this day being something positive, that with the setting of the sun it’s confirmed that this is one more day that amounted to nothing.
maybe i didn’t spend the day alone, but spent it having fun, with others, enjoying life until i realized that it will all end when i return home or they leave, when i’m alone again and my thoughts overcome me.
as the sun sets, i feel the anxiety washing over my body. the sadness. the tears burning hot welling up in my eyes, hesitant to leave knowing they will disturb my painted face. a face painted on to mask the ugly feelings beneath the surface, encased in my skull, rattling around in my brain.
the sun sets & when it finally disappears beneath the horizon i become ignorant to the pain i felt that day, numb, counting the hours until i can swallow pills and escape my life to 7 hours of nothingness. i don’t dream anymore, not when i’m awake & not when i’m asleep.
when the sun begins to go down the day is held accountable.
i know the next day like i know this day. i can predict how tomorrow will play out, make a bet on it. if i could wager on my predictions, i would be a wealthy woman.
because each day, internally, is like the last. i don’t know what i’m waiting for, or why i’m waiting. i don’t know why i just continue on this path that doesn’t deviate, even though i want so desperately to not know what the next day will be like, to have legitimate hope that things will be different. not even better, i couldn’t imagine that. just different. something.
for most people, sunsets are beautiful. for me, they are dangerous.
(written march 12 2012)